How to be a Writer

So we all know that there are many many different archetypes for writers. There is, of course, the elderly scholar, the hipster, the coffeeholic, the lazy man, the passionate grammar robot, and many more. Today (for utter lack of researching for good topic abilities due to my computer being a potato [see last post since my phone apparently can't link text]) we will be examining as a whole what exactly it takes to be a writer.

1. Drink Coffee

This is an absolute must if you are truly going to be a writer. Coffee is the soul food of book nerds everywhere. Food? Drink? Soul drink? Whatever, you know what I mean. Either way, the need for caffeine is real and dangerous.

On a side note: do not get inbetween a writer and his coffee. Ever.

2. Read a lot of random (and often bad) fiction.

You simply cannot skip this step. The writer feeds off the writing of others. It spurs those necessary explosions of inspiration that writers work off of. It's just necessary.

Not only that, but reading a lot helps improve your writing and style too. As a writer, reading is an act of imbibing information. Whether you're taking notes on word usage, praising sentence rhythms, or simply busy being horrified at a lack of character development, you're learning how to better your own writing. So, basically, reading is like teaching yourself how to write.

3. Watch Netflix a lot

Writers watch Netflix a lot. Because it helps us come up with cool scene ideas and stuff. Not because procrastination. Never. Writers never procrastinate.

4. Procrastinate

A writer's number one hobby is procrastination. Writers procrastinate more than any other type of person on the planet. Why? Well, trying to plumb the depths of human condition is a daunting job and some of us are a little overwhelmed by it.

5. Murder frequently

Murder is inevitable as a writer. If you don't murder someone (fictional or non) at some point during your writing process then surely you are doing something wrong.

6. Text friends freaky facts during the www hours of the morning

This is just one of the many downfalls of being a writer.

7. Crying over old writing

8. Crying over new writing

9. Crying over thinking about writing

10. Actually hating writing

The sad truth is most writers actually hate writing. We just have an innate inability to not write.

And last but not least:

6. Never actually writing ever

The number one popular mistake people make when referring to writers is that they actually write. Wrong! Writers are notorious for their complete lack of actual writing. The number of writers who don't write far outweigh the number of writers who do. It is a sad fact of life. There is no escaping this.

So, do you too do these things? Well then, my friend, you may actually be a writer! Don't be afraid to tell your parents; I'm sure they will accept you for who you are. :)))))))))))